Saturday, October 15, 2005
I never thought I would miss the sch. It's 430am already. The last day of school has passed. I am out of the schand supposedly ready for O's. I could never imagine myself as a Sec4..to think I stepped in in Sec1 with tons of complaints..saying how glad I would be to get out..yet now I'm not. Things have taken a change..i'm surprised too..
You have changed me loads. You have made me totally different from who I was. From one day to the next, I have lost everything. Why does fate like to kid with me? I said I will never keep in touch unless something happens on Fri. I guess it did. I'm resigned to fate. Suddenly I'll be leaving. I can no longer look out for you, I can no longer be the guardian angel u claimed I was. I felt like crying each time I thought of how we met, how I watched u from afar, how I ensured u were safe each time it rained or something happened, how I wished I could by your side forever. But I noticed that you have changed..though into the type of people I don't like, I don't deny that I still care. Too much. I guess life would be hard, when I finally stop looking out for you yet hiding from you. And if you ever wondered, yes I still like you very much. And I have not forgotten the request..but I shall never ask for it ever again. I really hope someone will take care of you now, cuz you don't. Someone to chase you to sleep, someone to stay up with you from afar, someone to hear you out, someone whom you could confide in, someone who could ensure happiness for you..and maybe you will not think the person was being cheeky or funny..I shall hence let go finally.
Whatever made you decide on what you did? What is left if you decided to do that? I cannot even imagine the days without you; what more is there to look forward to? Did I tell you I just found out who the luckiest woman on earth is? The one who got to hug you..just there! I'm so in love with that scene I don't believe myself. What luck..I cannot tell what made me think of you the way I did, why you said what you said when I gave it to you, but I had to tell you that you were just so pretty and I couldn't help getting something for you. It doesn't matter what happens, I will just try really hard..It was foolish of me to hold on to abstractions, but I believe if that's the best it can be, I will. What will happen when I no longer sense you from a corridor away? What will happen when my nose no longer captures what it wishes to? What will happen? Time has been too short..I wish I knew you earlier. I wish I had the chance to tell you what I haven't said. Some kinda fate. I wish I would meet you more often..sighh..and I still miss you like crazy.
How could it be? I stepped into Sec1 saying I hated you to the core, yet now I'm saying I miss you to the core? That I will never accept the fact that I don't see you every morning, that I won't be walking in to say hi to you, won't be able to hear your views on several stuff, about how busy you are? How do you think that'll be? I can't imagine..it has become such a habit, I look out to see if it has repeated at all..but you don't. What I like best about you is how efficient you are, how capable and clever..Suddenly I wish I had tried harder. I will..for you, I will try. Anything you say. I hate to see you stressed and tired..but what can I do to help, except to stop telling you stuff? I will miss every little time we've shared, every picture we've taken..that I will think of you now and then..or very often. How I can feel so sad when I walked out of the door today, I could not tell. I was near tears..I knew I missed you already..you probably thought it was a joke when I replied, but no, it is true. I am already missing you..now you've made me drop another tear..why of all people, YOU?! I really miss how we rush for time these 2 years, just to make sure we don't upset you..sigh! I think I'm stuck..
time to sleep. Tired. all good things must come to an end..maybe these will too. But I will keep them with me in my memories..forever.
-Broken dreams-
Suddenly everything has come to an end. It was the last day as a class in school. Funny how I'll miss so many things around me..the people, the place. I had never thought I would even feel sad..but I am. Sigh..some things are so weird. Here's some stuff for my dear classmates:
1. Diana - I think I'll miss her straightforwardness most. The way we sit in lit, digress, roll eyes, then pretend we know something when Mrs Westvik asks.
2. Celine - haha..guess what? Chats online, doing history in the morning..thinking of car doors..jackets *chokes* haha..POKE
3. Karin - the way she 'floats' around, roll eyes, pass sarcastic remarks..and is still so cool ever!
4. Karen - the 'hahaha' girl who never fails to make me laugh with her..guess she must be ultra stressed as the Mon of our class!
5. Zhiting - smsing in class, the way she can predict exactly what I'm up to..hmm. i CHERISH u..haha. guess my right, my left and the QDs.. ;)
6. PeiXuan - hyper at times, serious at others, yet always so charming..and like to suddenly pass VERY lame remarks tt make us all burst out laughing, esp during math.. :)
7. Eleen - so cool and pretty! haha :) history, lit..everything! 4 years le! rock on EK!
8. FanDi - how she lives with erm..celine and pris irritating her all day long..and so good at art!
9. Charmaine - the colourful conversations we've had these 4 years, last year by the ecopond..hmm..
10. Siheng - "hand in physics nownownownownow!"
11. Tong Chong - why poor thing always get bullied, but I still think u're very cute.. :)
12. HeLi - so responsible when getting CHINESE =S ..so sorry for all the trouble..
13. Yajie - always so sleepy in class, arguing with ZhaoYan over everything..haha..
14. XinLing - singing all types of funny songs, sms in class, 'DadDy!' shouts, lame jokes..haha, nice things u drew too..
15. XiaoLe - walk to same bus-stop while u go for piano, the chats on the bus..etc..haha :)
16. Vivien - ermm..always teasing me abt someone? :P and the googageehehahoee kinda thing..haha :)
17. Shumin - 4years le! Right opposite me in class..the cool artworks!
18. YingXu - photos! :) time to chat..walks around school..listening ear..the cool place we spotted :)
19. LinLin - chem rep! also always get all kinda trouble from us..
20. Prisc - Haha so many how to say. POKE, JAP w/o ur teacher, oral preparations, assembly mornings etc..history classes, chats, songs sang..haha..
21. Yini - always put up with my rubbish and..*scratching* haha..so all rounded..
23. Tricia - pull jacket! Eat MORE!! take a break man!
24. Youxin - the quiet listener who won't comment, whom I've known for so long and I dunno why I told some stuf to! :)
25. Bek - wife ah! camp! msn chats! the rubbish lame jokes u say tt i will ALWAYS laugh over..i also dunno why ah. all the baobei baobei bargirls laoban things..haha..
26. YuanYuan - same grp for EL and always we always like to rush thru everything haha..
27. Yuxing - BIGHANDS :P hehe..the little chats in class, the many bickering out of class, time we went to BK together, dance, sing songs, camp!! 3599..hehe..
28. Amelia - teach me physics (half-life thing) haha..and figured i'm quite a sad case..listening on the bus..tnx!
29. Liting - aiyo..haha, the very funny girl in front..always ready to cheer ppl up..
30. Yuchen - always by the door when I leave, then will say byebye :)
31. Jac - listening online, getting e class together..the landmark of 410! haha..SO TALL, makes me feel VERY short..
32. Zhang Qian - so quiet but always there with us..also always only get to say bye when i leave.
33. TongTong - my mei4mei4! haha..and my wife's wife..erm. 3599 jokes, for listening to my crap since sec3..helping me with the "job" haha..
34. Zhao Yan - my nonsense everyday! so kelian! but still will teach me everything I ask! so nice of her! :)
-Broken dreams-
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Two days more to the end. The battle is lost. Everything has failed. After 4 years of struggle nothing was been gained. The losers never win, even if they don't give up.
Time is up. I strolled down memory lane and noticed how life had failed in all ways. I have lit the most matchsticks, watched the most fires burn; I had thought the matchsticks would burn out..it scalded me instead. I guess it's true, the losers never win.
You have been my biggest failure. I did not know how I fell into trap, but I'd never escaped since then. However, you are still you; I am me. I will forget some time..let me remain at fault. I daren't look. I daren't speak. If I'd stayed a second longer, I would have fallen deeper. Three years. I will wait till friday. If what I wish to come does not - it is the end. I will wait from afar..or will never wait again.
"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything."
The moon shone on sad souls. The moon is not out, but it's staring at me from above. You have, once and again, ascertained my failure. I have carelessly, foolishly, unfortunately stepped into a ditch that drowned me right from the start. Yet I yell not. Let me remain where I wish if you can no longer provide me with a satisfactory lie.
"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."
I have no idea what shot me. It must have been the tingle that day that brought me into the trance. I have, since then, nodded and agreed to everything. I have decided to do all that was wished of me. I was determined never to disappoint another person again. And I still think of the dream..
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep.But I have promises to keep,And miles to go before I sleepAnd miles to go before I sleep." - Robert Frost
Nothing matters anymore. In two days time my battle will be over. I will be the fallen; the failure. I will stand in the battlefield alone. I have failed at work, failed at home, failed as a daughter, as a friend, as someone's guardian angel, as a student, as a trust, as myself. There's nothing left..in two days I will confirm my pathetic dreams are shattered. So what if I was given another 2 years..I failed to notice earlier..I chose to hold my peace. In the cold unfeeling nights, nothing mattered anymore..
-Broken dreams-
